


If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?

by Eluvian



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, Gagarin Station, Jump Zero AU, Shepard is with Kaidan on Jump Zero instead of Rahna, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenage Dorks, Teenagers, Why do I make a character even more passive than he is in game?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Jane Shepard had a perfectly peaceful life. She was born in 2151 on the human colony world Mindoir. Her family were farmers. Everything was perfect until batarian raiders massacred her family.Then her life took a turn. She was taken to Gagarin Station and joined a biotic training program called Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training.Basically she is there instead of Rahna. Rahna does not exist now, only Jane exists. And when Kaidan kills Vyrrnus, Jane reacts differently.
Relationships: Kaidan - Relationship, Kaidan Alenko & Kaidan Alenko's Father, Kaidan Alenko & Kaidan Alenko's Mother, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

Jane Shepard had a perfectly peaceful life. She was born in 2151 on the human colony world Mindoir. Her family were farmers. She played in the fields, in the mud, with other kids, braided their hair and let them braid her hair. She was sometimes hurt by nonsense things, sometimes done with the world, but mostly she laughed and loved her parents. She would lie in the grass and stare at the sky, asking her mom where they, humans came from. She’d think about Earth, wishing to visit it sometime. But she liked it on Mindoir. It was home. It was beautiful. It was all perfect.

Until the batarian slavers came and killed her family. Among so many others. Her friends’ families. On, that day she understood… something.

Her family did not really care that the galaxy believed human biotics to be dangerous. Jane was just their little girl and nothing to be scared of. She wouldn’t hurt anyone – only if they deserved it. She had a strong sense of justice, but wasn’t careless.

After her family died, though, she was found by trainers from Gagarin Station who worked for a project called Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training, and offered to take her there so she could learn to control her abilities. To be stronger.

It was not really difficult to convince the girl who had lost almost everything to hold onto a possibility that might give her something to fight for. Something to help her improve. What used to be just a game – lifting objects, avoiding snowballs, throwing things at people – would become a tool that might… help her achieve something great. She’d always wanted that.

This opened a huge world for her. A whole space station. Surrounded by cold darkness, cruel, yet fascinating. Surrounded by strangers who were cold to her, sometimes rude, ordered her around, humiliated her, as well as every other teenager around her. She was just thirteen when she got there, but she had to learn to appear strong. Then be strong.

And she did. So many things were new to her, but she adapted quickly and sometimes she even got compliments for it. Even from her trainers. It was rare, but treasured. Then a proud smile would appear on her face and her losses just did not feel so strong anymore. She trained hard to forget them.

Jane was very popular amongst the students. She did not hesitate to open her mouth sometimes, to “talk back”, they said, but she thought she just stood her ground. Somebody got hurt without reason? She would go there and make justice with her words, her sparkling eyes and maybe her fist. Though she tried to avoid being punished for using biotics. That was… not what they learned to use it for.

Most boys and many girls admired her. She had a fit figure, not the strongest in the feminine parts, but well-shaped, as the years went by. Her hair was red like the sunset, with green eyes and a very pale face with freckles on and around her nose. 

She did not like to be admired. It felt primitive. After a while she noticed the way people talked to her when they only did so to get her favours. Her naiveté decreased every day. It was a struggle not to get crazy amongst them. Children, adolescents, with their little twisted games. But she fought. And she even enjoyed it.

There was one among them whom she liked. His name was Kaidan. He was a bit clingy, but at least honest. Much more subtle than the others. Well, in speech, not in biotics. He had some… anger issues. She liked his sense of justice but sometimes he went a bit far.

A little too far.

Especially one day.

_Minutes and minutes go by. Her strength begins to fade. She is so exhausted and her head wants to explode. The sheer blue light everywhere feels like it is about to blind her. She is so thirsty._

_She cannot ask for water though. Nobody can ever ask, nothing is allowed anyway. It is a prison. A goddamned prison.  
But she has to fight! She has to prove she is worthy, that’s why they took her here, to become a strong biotic, a strong human, to show them that it is not only the asari – and the turians – and who knows who else – who are able to master element zero._

_She can do it._

_Her frustration increases with every minute. They’ve been doing this for hours. It is their punishment for talking to their parents… Which she didn’t. She had no one to talk to. But as a member of the group, she has to do what everyone does, of course. It is just fair. She knows it is. And she would do it for THEM. But not for… him._

_She tries to decide whether she hates him because he is a turian and she still feels the impact of the war with the first aliens humanity has ever encountered… Or she hates him because he is the prime example of a narcissistic jerk who abuses his power._

_She’d like to stick with the second option._

_Her grunts become louder and louder as she feels like she is going to collapse. Finally she asks for water but that damned Vyrrnus who everyone hates except maybe a few masochistic people just mocks her._

_She knew she shouldn’t have._

_Kaidan helps her so that the piece she is holding does not fall onto the ground, but he is tired too. He does it anyway. He always does. He would do anything for her._

_‘Stop’, she says hoarsely. It is hard to form words while struggling to stand on your feet._

_He does not stop though until she regains a bit of her strength and increases the intensity of the biotics. She sighs irritably._

_‘Thanks’, she says darkly. She feels cruel but… She needs no help. She can do this!_

_Until she can’t. The pieces she is supposed to uphold start to descend. And Kaidan does not help her because Vyrrnus is approaching and he would get busted. And punished. Even more. Although how can you legally punish someone more than making them use biotics for HOURS?_

_‘What’s the matter, cadet? Too tired? Too weak?’ the turian leant into her face._

_~You wish to intimidate me? No, I won’t stop~, she thought._

_She did not look at him. ‘Thirsty’, she growled in a dark voice._

_‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ Vyrrnus replies in a sarcastic tone. ’You should try this instead.’ He levitates a glass filled with water next to her. It looks like a well of life right now. She’d kill for a drop. She can already taste it in her mouth, she has lost so much water… Why did the body always bother her with such primal needs?_

_She tried to reach the glass with her biotics, and at the same time not to drop the piece she was supposed to keep in that construct they were making. The two things didn’t work out. It was as if you asked a tired athlete to do a few more pull-ups instead of running another round. It just didn’t help._

_‘C’mon, it’s so close’, Vyrrnus teased. Damn, she hated him._

_“Jane. Don’t!” she hears Kaidan’s voice, anxious and angry, and tired, so agitated…_

_Come on, stop trying to protect me, she thinks. She wants to be left alone. To do what she wants. He is not her parent after all._

_The stubbornness, the anger against this bastard and the thirst together with exhaustion takes over, and she reaches for the glass with her hand. Redemption. Finally._

_Except…_

_Before her hands reach the glass, something breaks. Excruciating pain paints her vision red. SHE breaks. Kaidan shouts her name. It does not matter. She just hurts. Terribly. Like never before. She hears herself scream, and sees a bone that belongs to her that should be inside her arm but isn’t anymore… She starts coughing because she still hasn’t drunk. Everyone is looking at them. She hurts. She wants the pain to stop. She feels a numbness weave a net onto her, like a cobweb, making her unable to do anything but, well, exist. Shock. She has felt this before. When her family died. Suddenly everything is bitter, dark._

_Kaidan and Vyrnus are fighting._

_“STOP! Damn you, just stop!” she shouts, crying. Vyrnus keeps provoking him. The bastard. Why is this happening? Just stop._

_Stop the pain._

_A loud cry and a giant biotic blast. Kick. Their trainer is on the ground. Motionless. Everybody’s shouting “You killed him!”. Kaidan just stands there in shock, his red face going pale and his hands start to shake. Jane just cries because of the pain. It. Hurts. So much. Inside and outside._

_The guards take him away. Other boys surround her and ask whether she is okay._

_“I am NOT okay, leave me alone!”_

_She would push them away, but her hand… is… not her hand anymore. It is a damaged proof of something horrible._

_Kaidan wants to talk to her. Begs for the guards to have a moment. He walks to her. Apologizes. Says he deserved it. She just feels pain. Stares. Does nothing. Says nothing. His desperate eyes are the last thing she sees and after that… medical room._

The whole program was shut down. Because of one kid. Well, yes, it was murder.

When she thought of that, it was unbelievable. Kaidan Alenko killing somebody. Him, of all people, the odd, eccentric, not loud and certainly not the most extrovert L2 with the headaches, the one who always held onto her arms whenever something or someone hurt her, who looked at her as if she was some kind of fragile thing to be treasured, to be protected. He was so silent. Clever. Dreamy.

And now he killed a man.

She had time to process it.

That time, she spent alone.

Because without him, it felt alone.

It was one thing that a vital part of her life fell apart… BAaT used to be her life even though it felt like a prison. It gave her a place to live, although there was something she always missed.

And that was Earth. But such luxurious wishes… She knew she asked for too much. She was lucky to be alive.


	2. Chapter 2

It took her two weeks to contact Kaidan. That was how long it took for her to realise she missed their talks. No matter how many times she told to herself “he killed someone, he is a murderer”, it did not mean anything after a while. He was still the one with whom they talked about the meaning of life for three years. With whom they hid from the others in the dark, silent corners of their consciousness and closed everything out and just made up theorized about what could there be in the universe they yet do not know. He was still the one who stood by her side and the only one who was not always annoying when he did this.

His protection was welcome. That of the others wasn’t.

Some of the boys visited her when she was in the hospital. She was not enthusiastic to talk to them though. She would not have any of their opinion, she wanted to have her own. And that was a difficult thing to figure out.

That day was boring. The docs still wouldn’t let her out of the hospital bed and she got tired of the current fiction she was reading. It’s not that it was uninteresting. It was too happy. The protagonist had a family and a good life, a home, animals. All of these she did not have. No reason to think about that now.

She put the book away, adjusted her red locks behind her ears, then realised her face still looks tired. Dark half-circles under it. Well, what does it matter anyway?

So she called him.

Will he answer at all? Where can he be? She knew that he wasn’t locked down after all. It was decided that what he did was not intentional and only a result of uncontrolled anger, which means he does not go into prison but surely to seem some psychiatrist.

He will love that, for sure…

***

Kaidan’s heart jumped when he realised she was calling him.

All these weeks he had been waiting for a word from her and tormenting himself about the fact that it will never happen.

So she did not hate him after all.

Thank God. Or… whoever else.

He stood up immediately and the puppy who’d been sitting in his lap scurried away whining with frustration.

‘Sorry’, he mumbled looking into the dog’s sad, shining eyes. ‘I will come back. Promise.’

The fluffy bastard wagged her tail and exited the room.

Kaidan walked out to the balcony and answered the call. Jane’s face appeared in front of him. Jane’s beautiful, exhausted face with a background that suggested she was sitting on a white bed, her knees pulled up.

‘Hey’, they said at the same time. She laughed softly.

She laughed. She could still smile at him. Gosh, in his dreams he had seen various aspects of her despising him and refusing to talk to him or even look at him. Never before had he felt so relieved. She hadn’t really spoken yet, but just seeing her made the barrier of guilt shatter a bit. Everything seemed brighter.

They just looked at each other for a few seconds, then started talking again almost at the same time.

‘It’s good you decided to-‘ Kaidan started.’

‘We need to talk’, Jane said.

‘…talk to me’, Kaidan finished.

The girl laughed again, her pale face painted by the blush she always got when she was embarrassed or angry.

‘Sorry. I did not want to sound so intimidating’, she apologized.

‘It’s alright.’ _I am grateful you even talk to me._ ‘How is your hand?’

She looked at said body part and shrugged.

‘It hurts when I move and usually itches like hell. It’s fine.’

He sighed, guilt-ridden. As if he was to blame for the damage in her hand.

‘You wanted… to say something?’

‘Yeah, I just… I won’t get out of here for a while and I am bored. And I missed you.’

This was more than he expected. _I missed you._ He swallowed, his hands becoming warmer.

‘But seriously’, Jane continued. ‘What was that?’ Her voice was accusing. Of course. He knew fine well what she meant by "that".

‘I…’ He sighed. ‘I don’t know. I did not want this, I swear. I was just angry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was fed up with him doing this to us every time, especially you. You fight, you are strong, and he had no right to feel superior to you. I just… had enough. I did not know it was that strong, I didn’t want him to die…’

These were almost the exact words he’d told his parents.

He hoped she understood. So much. He couldn’t bear for her to look at him as a killer.

He didn’t look at himself as one. It was definitely a mistake. One he did not wish to repeat.

‘You were hella scary', Jane said and he remembered the horror in her eyes. Pain and horror. That day she'd seen a side of him she never knew existed.

He looked down. ‘I know.’

‘I am not saying that bastard deserved this. I am never going to say it. But… just… don’t do this again, please. You might get to places that aren’t easy to come out from.’

‘I won’t.’

‘You don’t have to do this because of me.’ she said softly.

Suddenly he wanted her to be here. Right now. He knew she was staring right into his eyes but he wouldn’t look back. Couldn’t. Not just yet.

‘Do you hate me?’ he asked blankly, not caring anymore to hide his shame. There was no use.

‘No.’ She sounded serious. ‘I don’t hate you. It doesn’t mean I am not angry with you.’

‘You’re right about that… you know… Could we talk in person? Sometime?’

‘As soon as I get out of here. Which I hope is soon.’

‘Where will you go after that?’

‘No idea’, she replied with the cold blankness of loneliness.

She had nowhere to go and it felt horrible.

‘You can come visit us here in Vancouver. I will give you the address.’

She thought for a while. ‘I can arrange transport. They gave us a little funding, because… you know, the program is over.’

‘Shit. Yeah.’ That was also his fault. Only seventeen and already causing the termination of an important training program involving lucky and talented human biotics. Congratulations, Alenko.

‘Hey. Cadet. No cursing.’ she teased, with a surprisingly lifelike threatening look.

He laughed, a blush spreading across his cheek, but then he realised it was all over. Because of him.

What would be next?

He had ideas but they were so far from reality that it wasn’t even worth mentioning them.

He realised she was smiling at him.

What a blessing.

He did not want to lose this girl. Ever.

‘So, when are they gonna let you out?’

‘Not more than a week, I hope.’

‘It’s not so far from your birthday either, right?’

One week later would be April 15th. Her birthday was on April 11st.

‘Yeah, that’s in three days.’ 

Jane was not enthusiastic. She actually hated her birthday. It reminded her of her parents. Even though her friend group would gladly celebrate and help her rewrite bad memories, she wouldn’t have it. She accepted some gifts, tried to smile, but refused the idea of a huge celebration.

‘Would you mind if we threw a little… uh… not a real party. Just, you know, my parents wouldn’t let it slide without a little celebration. They never do. A little music, some decoration, that sort of thing.’

‘Uh… I don’t know about that…’

‘I… might convince them to stick to gifts, if that’s okay.’

He wouldn’t give up. Convincing Jane to have an actual birthday party? Would be the biggest achievement of his life.

Well. The biggest _positive_ achievement…

Hell. He acted like nothing wrong has happened. Maybe it was the only way not to go crazy. Having a little fun is allowed, isn’t it? What the future brings… they would see. Later.

‘Sticking to gifts. Fine’, she said with a slight smile.

Her eyes examined the background behind him. That had to be English bay that Kaidan so often mentioned. Whenever he talked about it, that beach sounded beautiful and so different from anything they could see at the station.

‘You have a pretty view from there. Are you in your room?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Hmm. Nice.’ She smiled. ‘I’d be glad to see it in person. I miss Earth.’

‘You will see it, don’t worry.’ His eyes lit up. ‘We can, uh… take a walk at the bay.’

He felt more confident than any other day all these three years. He had no idea what happened. Maybe finally getting home and all those obligations out of the picture helped a little. And this call. Jane. She definitely helped. Kaidan had been another person five minutes ago.

‘We might. Thank you.’

‘Anytime… thanks for talking to me.’

‘Yeah. The doctor’s probably going to be back soon. I should go.’

‘Sure. Have a good time. I mean I hope you get out of there soon. We’ll see what comes after.’

‘Yeah. I have no idea where I’ll go. But for now English Bay sounds nice.’

‘It is really beautiful. You will see it. Bye, Jane.’

‘Bye, Kaidan.’

The call ended.

The wind on the balcony caressed his face, making him smile. He turned around and looked at the bay, the setting sun’s orange lights painting the waves, birds flying by, everything so vast and peaceful and non-artificial. Jane and him walking on the shore when only the moon and the stars are up, hand in hand…

Now this was going too far, but he did not care. Everything was possible today.

And a few days later. Hopefully.

Small toes tipped on the floor. Gander, the black fluffy Newfoundland puppy entered his room again. Kaidan ran to him and picked him up.

‘Wow, you are heavy!’ he remarked, turning around happily with the dog, who must have been confused by now. Once he gets sent away and now this. _Well, that’s mood changes for you, little buddy._

Kaidan’s father entered the room.

‘Hey there.’ He stopped in the door, looking at his son hugging the puppy with yet unseen enthusiasm. ‘What happened? You seem like you are in heaven.’

Kaidan blinked a few times and carefully placed the dog on the ground.

‘I, uh… just…’ He cleared his throat and put his hands behind his back, certain that his face was red.

His father raised an eyebrow.

‘Not like it’s a problem. I’m glad you’re happy.’

‘Yeah. Uhm… Jane’s birthday is in three days. And she will get out of the hospital in one week.’

‘I see what you’re getting at.’

‘You do?’

‘You want a party, right?’

‘Well, yeah... actually... she does not like parties.’

‘I’m liking this girl more and more by the minute’, his dad said, smiling. As if everything was so easy. Kaidan liked that about him.

‘A gift from each of you will be enough.’

‘Okay, we are not having a party without drinks and music.’

Kaidan sighed. ‘Fine. You can have your party. But…’

‘But it is her party, right: I won’t ruin the mood, I swear. Who else do you want to invite?’

‘Uhh… I will think of a few people back from uh… school. Some that don’t hate me yet’, he frowned.

‘I’m sure they don’t.’

‘Some of them do.’

‘Don’t think about that right now. Celebrations are not about guilt.’

‘You’re right, dad.’

They had a long talk - multiple long talks, actually - about what happened and for now it was just enough.

‘So. What are you giving her as a present?’

That was a good question. ‘I… don’t know yet.’

‘Well, you still have time.’

‘Yeah. Uh… when will we eat? I’m a bit hungry.’

‘Ask your mom.’

‘Mom, can I help with the food? I’m hungry.’ he turned to the woman reading a newspaper on the couch.

‘What am I hearing?’ his mom asked, faking more surprise than she actually felt. ‘You want to help me with the food? What happened?’

‘As I said, I’m hungry’, Kaidan grinned.

‘And you are going to have a party’, his father added, already walking up the stairs to his room.

‘Not a _party._ ’

His mum raised her eyebrows.

‘What kind of party?’

‘I’ll explain while I prepare the food okay?’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The celebration takes place in Vancouver at Kaidan's home and Jane finds out a """secret""". They also - almost - share a kiss, but one of the guys present at the party interrupts.

Jane had no idea what to wear.

Must have been a typical thing. She was a girl, thinking about what to wear. To a... a... occasion. She did not call it a party. A visit. Hence it made her angry. It shouldn’t have mattered…

She did not really have any clothes that weren't just... casual onens. She didn’t do parties, and even if she did, she did not care about fashion. She was the kind of person who would be convinced by a friend or a good acquaintance to attend a party in her uniform. After a few drinks, nobody cared. Or if they did, she didn’t care.

But that uniform had been taken away. And she wouldn’t have wanted to walk into Kaidan’s parents’ house in that. That was not her anymore.

Maybe it never was.

After not finding anything suitable, she decided to head to a shop and look for something that looks normal on her. But everything was too… glamorous. Shiny. Elegant. Or just ordinary. Or the combination of these.

A seller walked by and noticed that Jane was indecisive. She stopped and with an artificial smile and sweat velvety voice asked Jane, ‘Can I help you, young lady?’

Jane frowned. She was not a lady.

‘I am looking for a dress.’ Well. Obviously. In a clothes shop, at the column of dresses. ‘A not too revealing one, if possible’, she added with an apologetic smile.

‘What is the occasion?’, the sickly fake angelic voice said, and the girl raised her eyebrows as if she were really interested.

‘A birthday party’, Jane replied, then the girl raised her finger and gestured her to follow. She lead Jane to a long line of colourful, glittery clothes out of which she could finally choose a green one that fit her taste. She sighed. She would HAVE to wear this, wouldn’t she?

On the other hand, she knew that was what she wanted to do. She wanted to appear nice, and right now she did not want to be a girl in a uniform. Maybe it meant stepping out of her comfort zone, but…

Ugh. Cliché.   
Actually she had no idea how this day would turn out to be anything else than horrible pretence. But Kaidan would be there. That meant she wouldn’t be completely out of her comfort zone. He was one of the points of safety she did not want out of her life. Even now. Maybe she was crazy.

Travelling to Earth felt weird. She was supposed to feel it was home, and she did, but at the same time she didn’t. Home was another planet, a hidden pain and something similar but also different. Her identity as a human meant that she treasure Earth in her heart though.

And when she arrived, when she first drew breath, she knew it was home. The atmosphere, the temperature just felt natural. Her lungs embraced the air with no difficulty and she did not have to wear any special suits in order to be able to walk comfortably. In the first moments when her legs touched the ground, she had to fight hard to stop herself from just running around figuring out what it felt like. Just like artificial gravity, but… naturally. 

He waited for her and escorted her to their house.

‘Mike and Sean have already arrived. Willow said she will be late a bit. Transport is complicated.’

They were some of the kids they hung out with in their not so abundant free time.

She wondered how she’d never been here before. Somehow visiting this place was something off limits. They spent little time at home anyway. Kaidan’s life belonged in her life at Jump Zero but not outside of it. She felt like she needed to give him these times to spend with his family. He still had one, and deserved to spend all the quality time possible with them. She knew how important that was.

But this was her… birthday party. It was multiple things. A goodbye to her previous life. Something new. Maybe.

The house had three floors. They were rich, that was her first thought. His parents are awfully kind, that was the second. And then she heard barking and a fluffy black puppy ran to her.

‘Hi there. Who are you?’, she smiled at the animal, whose presence felt like it would make the whole fuss bearable. With animals you did not have to act, to pretend. Suddenly her already built-up stress started to decrease as she pat the dog’s head.  
‘His name is Gander. Don’t be scared, he won’t-‘

When Kaidan saw Jane enthusiastically pulling the dog close to a hug, he stopped talking. She was clearly not afraid.

‘Anyway. Come in, dinner’s ready.’

‘Already?’ Jane looked up, surprised.

She reluctantly said goodbye to Gander and then continued to explore the interior of the mansion.

Leaving this place for Jump Zero? Must have been hell.

It was a castle. For long she had only seen dark, confined spaces and now, breathing Earth air, looking at this… it was beautiful. The furniture was a mixture of classical artistic style and modern practicality. Many of the curtains and rugs were the mix of blue and white, but the bedrooms had darker, warm colours. And the balcony…

She wanted to see it. That wonderful view that made you feel free.

But there was no time for that now. She had to head to the kitchen, for dinner.

Mike and Sean were already there, impatiently awaiting her arrival and they did not even wait for a kind of culmination of the celebration to hand their presents to heer.

Mike had no idea about girls, so he bought a necklace for her, a beautiful one, but one that she would not wear probably. It was a simple metallic chain with a blue circle-shaped medal in a light blue colour. It looked pretty. Blue didn’t go with her eyes and hair though. Nor did biotics. It was ironic.

Sean gifted her an interesting book, a fictional story about two twin sisters raised in completely different circumstances. She would actually be happy to read that. She thanked them both and tried to ignore Kaidan’s nervousness during the whole event. It only made her even more nervous. She did not need all this. She was grateful, but all the attention she got felt more like expectations than a reward.

Willow finally arrived, another girl in the group, and another nervous one at that. She was an eccentric blonde biotic, sweet and dreamy, but a little bit too prone to be open to many things, some of them illegal. She drank a lot and used drugs too, but somehow managed to get away with it. Other than that, she did not get into trouble when her friends were concerned. She kept them out of it.

She gave Jane a huge hug, and continued to grin throughout the night. Her lively chatter provided a good background while they continued to eat, letting Jane sink into her thoughts.

Kaidan’s parents smiled at each other from time to time, one of them asked the other to bring something here, take something there. All of this, their easy laughs, their kind gestures, Kaidan’s dad gently putting his hand on his mom’s shoulders... She could have had that. It made her bitter and she felt ungrateful. She was scared her worries might show on her face so she stuffed it with food.

He saw it though, she was certain. She never checked, but was sure his brown puppy eyes followed every change on her face. It should have felt annoying, but... it didn’t.

Kaidan’s dad even held a toast for her. That part was embarrassing, but she kind of expected it to happen. He said he was sure Jane will find her place in the world, because it is impossible for such a strong and smart girl to do otherwise. Kaidan’s mom (Susan, she asked Jane to call her) said her son talked about Jane a lot. She blushed, wondering what about, and rolled her eyes slightly, not to be too impolite but expressing her concerns. Meanwhile she desperately avoided eye contact with said son. He probably did the same with her.

In the inside she smiled a little though. Maybe she’d ask him what he talked to his parents about.

After having finished dinner, music filled the whole house. It felt as if it was alive, a structure fill of the sense of something that was so alien from her right now. But with the tasty drinks and the primitive beat of 21st-22nd century human pop music, she could forget how empty she felt for a while. Damned mood changes. Why did every human need to go through this? She was not in peace with her psyche. She could not name a reason why she felt like she-

Never mind, she just continued to move to the beat.

Or tried. She really couldn’t dance. Every once in a while, she let Mike turn her around while desperately trying not to trip and fall, possibly breaking something fragile in the living room. She heard Willow giggle loudly, she carried out some crazy moves with Sean. They could dance. And loved it as well. Maybe they were… hm… getting really close to each other this night. They’d been good friends, buddies, they teased each other a lot and Jane had always suspected something was going on. The thought filled her with light, easy happiness as she wished the best for them. She was also grateful because they got almost all the attention.

Mike still wanted to dance with her though.

‘I told you I can’t.’

‘Jane, it’s your party. You have to!’

‘Ugh…’ When will he grow out of this? ‘This is my party so I do whatever I want.’ she theatrically stepped on the ground with her feet. Mike couldn’t object, so he shrugged and grabbed a handful of snacks.

Jane looked around in search for the host, who shortly returned with a replenishment of snacks and drinks. Jane decided she had eaten and drunk enough artificial taste bomb for today.

‘Hey Kaidan, this place of yours is amazing’, Mike said.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘I would say I wonder why you left it in the first place, but they didn’t really ask, did they?’

‘They didn’t.’  
‘You know, I think that bastard deserved it. And this whole system. It just… they kept us like prisoners there.’

‘Mike, I don’t want to talk about that tonight.’

‘Mike, I TOLD you to shut your mouth!’ Sean reprimanded. Jane just stood there amidst all the chaos watching Kaidan sink into a level of unease that was unacceptable. Clearly all he wanted to do was disappear. And it was Jane’s party and she would not let this happen.

‘It’s not like you don’t agree with me, Sean’, Mike snapped.

‘It does not matter, this is not the time-‘

‘Willow, would you make sure the boys don’t kill each other?’ Jane looked at the blonde, who was lost to the rhythm of the music and possibly a large amount of alcohol by now. ’I think Kaidan and I have had enough of the dancing right now. Gonna go out to get a little air.’

Kaidan did not have a say in this matter, but he did not object either, luckily.

‘Hey, guys’ Willow wrapped her arm around Sean’s. Her voice was hoarse and her eyes gleamed from intoxication. ‘Let’s not argue. Let’s dance. Like, you know, there was that saying back in the 21st century. Or the 20th. How was it?’

Kaidan followed Jane upstairs with a relieved sigh. Funnily enough, she moved along to the music now, and she wasn’t bad at it. When she didn’t _have to_ dance, she could manage something that did not look like she was just waiting for the bus to arrive at the station very impatiently.

‘I’m sorry. I kinda had to get away from all that’, Jane sighed as they walked up into Kaidan’s room. Gander was lying on the floor in front of his bed, now he got up and hurried in front of them.

‘I know.’ Kaidan covered his face with his hands for a moment. ‘It’ my fault. I should have known it is a bad idea. I didn’t want you to feel- I messed up. I’m sorry.’

_There we go again._

‘No, you didn’t. I swear, half the time we speak it’s me telling you that you _didn’t_ mess up something.’

He laughed a little. ‘You’re right. Probably.’

‘Parties are just not my thing. But they were… kind. And they are having fun. That’s what matters.’

‘No. I mean, that’s not just what matters. I wanted you to feel good, not them.’

‘You are trying too hard, you know. Sometimes the simplest things make us the happiest’, she smiled, stroking the dog’s dark fur. Up here, she felt safe and at home. It was dark in the room but if she wanted light, she could make it… Tentatively, she raised one book from the tiny table that stood next to the bed and watched as the light blue tendrils surrounded her arm. She lifted the book higher, than levitated it into her other hand and shifted it open where the bookmark was, curiously glancing onto the pages.

‘Let’s see what you are reading.’

‘Uh, actually that’s… Never mind. It’s just some random stuff I found the other day.’

Before she could read a word, the book slipped out of her hands. She turned to Kaidan who was holding it in his hands, quickly closing it.

‘Hey. Give it back.’ She tried her intimidating look, but her lips curled up into a smile. Two biotics in a room. An endless circle.

‘It is rude to read into people’s stuff, Jane.’

She did not care. She pulled the book back into her hands and this time hid it behind her back, grasping it firmly, looking at the boy with a challenging face.

‘It’s not like it’s your diary. It’s a book. Anyone could read it. I could have bought it and read it, right?’

‘But you did not.’

He approached her but she kept taking steps back, eyeing him and trying to hide her smile. She enjoyed their little game too much. When they’d arrived at Jump Zero, they used to be dorm buddies and would just throw everything at each other for fun. Then they taught them not to use biotics for that kind of stuff, because it is childish. Now BAaT didn’t exist and they were on Earth.

At home.

‘Give it back to me, please.’

‘No. Why do you want to keep it a secret?’

‘I don’t. It’s just… not something most boys read, I guess.’

Damn, he was adorable when he blushed.  
‘Oh, I see. Now I am interested.’

She tried to open the book again but already felt it slipping out of her grasp, so she held on to it.

‘No. Stay here.’ she hissed between her teeth. 

He sighed and placed his hands on his hips, shaking his head. She eyed him with suspicion. He seemed like he accepted defeat, but there was no way to be sure…

The next moment, Jane felt gravity twist and turn around her, as she got pulled closer to him, and she needed her quick reflexes not to fall over. She instinctively reached out with her hands and found balance on Kaidan’s shoulders, now only a few inches from him. She blinked, shocked, and the next moment the book was swiftly snatched from her hands.

_Damn._

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips angrily. Well, seemingly angrily.

‘It is unlike boys to keep their secrets like this.’

‘No keeping secrets, Jane. But I cannot say no to a biotic duel, you know that.’

‘Ah, so that’s what it was about.’

‘Yup.’

‘So can I look into the book now?’

He sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘If you insist.’

She smiled triumphantly as he handed her the book. She randomly opened it at about the middle. As usual, at first her mind only registered names, verbs, people and places and it seemed irrelevant as she did not know their backstory. There was some kind of villain. There was some kind of hero. There was some kind of girl the hero wanted to save…

_Oooh._

Intrigued, she turned a few pages, then another few. It was weird and pleasant to feel the paper under her hands and feel the book’s scent. It was rare for someone to have these. Coming to think of it, this seemed like an old book.

After a while, she sank into the paragraphs though.

_“It was hard not to think of him. The time they had spent together. Would he even remember her still?_

_Caendra kept staring out of the giant window, letting herself drown in the vastness of space and wondered which one of those countless stars held him prisoner. If he would ever come to get her out of here. If she would be strong enough to face him again.”_

‘Hmm.’ Jane raised an eyebrow. The other biotic stood with his face against the wall, clearly uncomfortable.

‘I hope you are having fun.’

Jane smiled. ‘I am.’

She opened the book at about the end of the second half. There was a long description of a space battle, civilians dying, the protagonists reuniting and fleeing a deadly explosion that destroyed the whole station. There was the bookmark. Whoever was reading it – probably the other person in the room – hadn’t read farther than that. The scene ended with a wholesome hug and a promise that the characters would fight through all this together.

She did not know what “all this” was, but it felt like a good place to finish reading a book. Had he been reaing it now? Today? Yesterday? A week ago?

‘Nice story. I mean, I only read a few paragraphs but it seems nice.’

Kaidan wasn’t sure if she was honest or just teasing him.

‘Glad you like it.’ He managed to turn away from the wall and face the girl again, who placed the book back on the table with too much amusement. She looked genuinely proud. He was not sure why he was ashamed anymore.

‘So the man saves the girl. I knew you were a romantic.’

‘You’ve known me for three years. Of course you know.’

It felt safe now. She did not hate him. She did not feel uncomfortable. His goal has been achieved.

Mostly.

Relieved, he took a few steps closer. Her hair was let out, casually resting on her shoulders. She had no makeup. She never did. Almost none of the other girls were like that.

He probably shouldn’t have been examining her face up close because it was awfully obvious, but…

He noticed a shadow cross her face.  
‘It is a fun party. Don’t worry’, Jane suddenly said. ‘If I seem troubled, it’s not your fault. I just… don’t know where to go from here.’

‘And you’re saying that’s not my fault.’

‘You didn’t shut down the program.’

‘But it was shut down because of me.’

‘Maybe it was. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t really feel like it is for me anyway. I… wanted to make a change. Following someone’s orders isn’t enough. There’s always new conflicts. People to mess things up. What can one biotic child do?’

‘One can’t. But you are not alone. You never will be’, he assured her, his voice turning deeper, wrapping itself around her like a warm embrace.

She smiled with warmth and for once in her life she let herself believe everything could be alright. She let his warm brown eyes heal the wounds all those losses left on her and just let them slide. As he walked closer, she softly placed her hands on his shoulder, just like before. They looked at each other calmly, with expectation, no, not calmly, not at all, with pounding hearts, but still feeling safe. She could barely hear anything aside from quick breaths and her heartbeat. The whole party was pushed to the back room of her mind and nothing really mattered but him being close to her. She was enthused about how natural it felt., standing here, touching him, breathing in his scent with anticipation. She felt the heat of his body. His nose touched hers and she closed her eyes slowly, parting her lips, because that was how people-

‘Sorry to interrupt’, she heard Mike’s voice from the corridor and her blood seemed to have turned to some kind of metal.

Kaidan quickly took at least three steps back from her and began to anxiously examine something on his hand.

Jane narrowed her eyes.

‘Are you spying on us?!’ she turned to Mike placing her hands on her hips.

‘No! I just knew you were up here. Mr. Alenko wants to speak with you’, Mike smiled at Jane with too much confidence in his eyes. She could have… slammed him to the nearest wall right now. But this was not her place, she did not want to mess up this house. And the party.

‘Me?’

‘Yes, you.’

Mike then turned around, as he has completed his task, and scurried down the stairs again.

_How long did he… How did I not hear him… Holy hell._

‘I guess you better go then’, Kaidan said.

_You want to... send me away._

She would never understand this person. She somehow half expected him to pull her into a passionate kiss now.

That wouldn't be Kaidan though. He was far too shy for that.

Shy? Was it the right word? She didn't know but she was not happy with it right now.

She definitely needed to catch her breath though. Her face and hands were on fire.

‘Y-yeah…’

She numbly stumbled out of the room, trying to find her balance, physically and mentally, her balance in life… She blinked, surprised that the lights and sounds were still the same, that the world around her didn’t shatter to pieces, that she was still the same person, that she still... existed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A walk on the beach at night, while the other three teenagers remain in the house. What could go wrong?

‘Wow. I did not expect them to leave.’

‘Yeah. They wasn’t sure they were going in the morning. There is a concert a few blocks away.’

‘Your parents go to concerts?’

She heard many things about them but there were always surprises. Others would have called them “cool” parents.

‘Occasionally’, Kaidan shrugged. His tone was just the same as at any other conversation. Casual. Almost nonchalant. She watched the couple – damn, she referred to them as a couple in her mind, Sean and Willow – dance, touching his chin with one hand while the other supported his arm.

He must have noticed Jane staring at him intently, because his cheeks went a bit re.

‘I, uh… would ask you to dance but I know you don’t want to. So.’

‘So?’ she raised one eyebrow. _I’m listening._

‘Would you like a walk on the shore?’

She blinked. ‘Well. Yeah. I would like to. But these three won’t… where is Mike?’

‘He found himself a video game to play. He will be okay until tomorrow morning, I guess.’

Mike was always more of a nerd than a drinker.

‘You just want to go out?’

‘Yup…’

‘Now?’

After having left Jump Zero only a few weeks ago, this kind of freedom was unimaginable for her.

With a content and excited grin, she replied, ‘Alright. Leaving your rich mansion to three drunk biotic teenagers, after your parents told you to take care of it. What could go wrong?’

He laughed nervously, combing through his hair with his fingers. ‘Yeah, I got some more important things to do.’

Something, hot and cold at the same time, grasped her heart. ‘Like what?’, she teased again, raising an eyebrow. She would not stop provoking until-

Eh. There was no point. She figured she could continue provoking him until morning and nothing would happen. At least not until pairs of eyes were watching.

‘Like taking you to the bay. It is beautiful at night. Come on, we should go.’

And up the stairs he went.

Jane glanced at the two dancing people, a little bit worried, but then followed him with a tingle of excitement.

‘Wait, how are we going to go to the beach from your room?’ she creased her eyebrows, but by the time she finished the sentence, she knew the answer.

‘We are biotics, remember?’, Kaidan asked, walking casually onto the balcony where the sea melted together with the dark purple sky.

‘No, I kinda forgot it since we fought for a book using biotics and you pulled me closer so hard that I almost tripped.’

She felt cruel but could not resist a victorious smile.

_Yes, I am taking every chance to remind you of that._

Kaidan stopped for a moment, turned his head back to her and shook his head with a smile.

‘You really okay with this?’ she asked. She wouldn’t care if it was her own home…

‘Just let’s get out of here before I change my mind.’

‘Alright’, she raised her hands, while he hopped over the railing and then landed a few meters below on the ground in an orb of blue swirling light.

She smiled widely. She loved to do this… but it was forbidden at Jump Zero. So much fun stuff was. The trainers couldn’t have the children just jumping around, on top of each other, and throwing every object around them into each other’s faces. It was understandable.

It felt good to be free though…

Breathing Earth air, again. She had to remind herself of that.

Jane snatched her black jacket she bought in case of emergency, hence it was only April and it meant it would be far too cold to stay out the night.

She took a deep breath, preparing for her first rule-breaking in a long time. Then she jumped over the railing.

For a few seconds she felt like flying. Some lost bird in the night sky, living off adrenaline, staring dazed up to the stars from whence she came. Birds didn’t come from the stars though. She didn’t care.

Before she could activate a protective field, Kaidan held up his hand and slowed her down, preventing her from crashing to the ground – which she would have done anyway.

Jane regained her balance and straightened up, taking a wholesome breath from the cool night air.

‘Thanks’, she said in a tone that meant “I didn’t need that, but I appreciate it”.

They strolled through the almost empty streets, glancing up at the skyscrapers for one last time before attempting to forget that civilization exists and focus on the sea. She had yearned to see that.

It resembled some kind of blue paint, the half moon’s gaze glimmering on it. Just like on classical paintings. It was funny to think it was just the same. The location of the stars changed a little bit during all those centuries but right now the horizon looked just like that of a 19th century painting.

‘For so many long years humanity wanted to go out there and explore, and yet right now all I want to do is this’, she said, taking off her shoes as they reached the sandy beach. Soft, smooth and cold substance against her feet with nothing in between. The bare surface of the planet. She sighed with content and closed her eyes for a second.

‘ _All_ you want t-? Never mind.’

‘Huh?’ Jane opened her eyes again. The boy just walked on, his hands reaching into his pocket on his trousers as he took out a rectangle-shaped object. Looking closer it proved to be a datapad.

‘I have yet to give you a present, if you remember.’

‘You know I’m not big for presents.’

‘Yeah, I’m not big for words, but I tried to collect some.’

‘Hmm’. She glanced at the pad. Words. So he couldn’t bring himself to say something in person and instead he wrote it down? Was she supposed to read it now? She did not want to read right now.

‘But there is one condition.’ He meant it to sound more confident, but… never mind. ‘You should only open it one year later.’

Forcing her to do the smallest thing like not open a datapad for a year felt bad. Forcing her to do anything felt bad. Sometimes Kaidan really did not understand himself.

It had seemed like a good idea. Now, not so much. But anyway, it was done. And she did not seem utterly disappointed.

But surprised.

‘Alright, and what will I get for my next birthday?’, she folded her arms, then started laughing. Yeah, that was a good question.

‘You will find it out then.’

Damn, he felt stupid. But she just kept smiling, enjoying the breeze and watching the waves appear and sink into the ocean again, like caressing fingers, or… every time a person looked at them they would probably remind them of another metaphor. The sea did that.

He hid his embarrassment by sitting down in the sand, pulling up his knees and adjusting himself to have a comfortable position.

‘Do you like it?’

It was probably the stupidest question ever. Jane walked around him, still enjoying the feeling of sand on her feet, then she realised that a female dress was probably not the best outfit to go to the beach in.

She finally adjusted herself on her heels and drank in the quietness of all those minutes. The quiet between them had always been less uncomfortable than quiet with others. She realised it might have always had hope. Something always blocked it. Worry and fear.

But no way he had forgotten what – almost – happened in that room not long ago…

‘So. What will you do now?’, she asked, bringing up possibly the most hurtful topic possible.

‘Don’t know yet. Somewhere less… strict. Somewhere they accept me, where I can learn. I don’t know.’

‘We might join the Alliance.’ she said as easily as if she mentioned going to a plaza the next day.

‘Huh. My family had enough of that, I think.’

‘I mean… I want to go out there. Haven’t seen much of it. Or I just want to forget my family, I’m not sure.’

He closed his eyes. He knew she would be strong and hardworking and brave and confident enough to be extremely successful in the alliance. Who knows what she might achieve there. Jane was a fighter. Nobody really realized in Jump Zero because it was hidden and almost like a secret.

But that would have meant…

‘You would be fantastic. I know you would. But that would be dangerous.’

‘Being a human biotic is dangerous. Everything is dangerous.’

‘Not to the same extent.’

‘You don’t want me to do that?’

He blinked, surprised, glancing at her freckled face.

‘Does it matter if I don’t?’

‘I just… want to know.’

‘Well. No, I don’t. I want you to stay as safe as possible. But I also do, because that’s what you… that’s what you do. Chase danger and then defeat it. That’s who you are and I don’t want to change that. But I also don’t want you hurt.’

Jane wanted to caress his face, but then it would have always been her to make a move. So she restrained herself for just a little while… she hoped.

‘Then come with me’, she said softly, her eyes fixated on his.

He took a deep breath.

‘I’d love to.’

‘Then?’

‘Then we’d both be in danger and both of us would worry about the other. Don’t you think that would compromise some things?’

‘Kaidan, you worry too much.’

‘Maybe.’

‘We could get through it. And who knows what we’ll see out there. It might be worth it. I don’t want to live my life at just one place while species exterminate each other in wars and what not. When I could be there and help.’

‘So you want to be a peacekeeper?’

‘You could say that.’

Jane Shepard, peacekeeper.

Obviously a girl’s dream. Maybe not the most usual one, but still. Tonight though, she felt she could make it true.

‘I like that.’

The sides of her lips curled up. ‘You like a lot of things about me’, she turned her face towards the boy playfully.

‘I like everything about you, Jane. And that’s why…’ he swallowed. ‘We couldn’t really work together there. It is not exactly… allowed.’

‘What isn’t?’

‘Being in a close relationship’, he managed to say.

‘Oh. Are we in one?’

Kaidan sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Stop teasing me.’

‘Why would I do that?’

‘I very much hope we are in one. And you know that.’

‘What the hell are you afraid of?’

‘I…’

She turned to face him, her knees leaving a mark in the sand where they used to be.

He got lost in the catlike features of her face that glistened in the moonlight.

‘I don’t want to lose you.’ That final confession was washed away by the wind that flew locks of her hair in front of her eyes.

‘And if you don’t kiss me, you don’t lose me?’

She placed his face between her hands and leant forward pushing her lips to his, answering her own rhetorical question.

Her smell filled his senses. Just like her taste. Only that of her skin and her hair. She did not use anything artificial other than the clothing on her body. Which made him think of-

He was a horrible person. But it did not matter now. She pulled her closer, his fingers caressing the green fabric on her back. Her lips were soft and hot against his. Suddenly it did not matter if they would join the Alliance after all or not.

All the frustration of the last few days gathered up to him finally being able to take the lead, and in the next moment Jane’s back met the sandy beach, the world turning and twisting around her again, although now not because of biotics, but just pure force and impulse. She giggled and smiled, her fingers lost in the boy’s hair, completely messing it up. She adjusted her legs from under herself and pulled him in for a kiss again. After a few seconds his tongue tentatively entered her mouth – because that’s what people are supposed to do, right? He had no idea what to do but trusted his instincts to lead him. And they kind of did. All of this felt different from what he had imagined, but having her this close – he did not care anymore if he’d make a fool of himself.

All these three years and there were still many words left unsaid. It did not matter. All of that didn’t matter. She loved him and that was the only thing that mattered. The future was the brightest now. He was not afraid anymore.


End file.
